In today's blog I want to talk to you about getting dumped by a dismissive avoidant. What does it feel like? What is the experience? What are people around you going to be saying? This breakup will likely throw you for a loop and it may turn you into an anxious preoccupied person.
When a dismissive avoidant breaks up with you they are for sure done in their mind. In the beginning they're going to feel relief. They're going to feel as if they did something that they didn't really want to do, something that they were dreading for a while. Since you were somebody who they thought they could see a future with, when they started to see that it wasn't something that was going to be able to work out, that's when they started to deactivate and check out.
In the beginning the dismissive avoidant really does pursue. They make promises to you. They were love bombing you. They were treating you as if you were somebody that they were going to be with for the rest of their lives, so the amount of betrayal that you feel when they start to deactivate due to you getting too close to them is pretty painful. When people reach out to me most of the time they have felt like they were secure their whole relationship, but it wasn't until the love avoidant started to pull away from them that caused them to become anxious due to the dismissive breaking up with them out of nowhere. They could have just had some really good times together, could have just spent weekend vacations together, then all of a sudden they pull the rug from under you. Breaking your heart and leaving you wondering why they are acting so cold.
You need to know that you were important to them. You did make a difference in their life. This is not about you, it is about them. My favorite quote is, “how people treat you is their karma, how you respond is yours.” When you start to get bent out of shape due to them leaving you and you start to do things like stalk, call them too many times, check their social media accounts, drive past their house or their work or even their mom's house, that is just going to give you bad karma. So I try to advise people to take some of the positives away from the relationship and think of the things that were really good. Really just show gratitude for that. Be appreciative of the experience. You don't have to have this person for the rest of your life. Just be happy for the amount of time that you did have them and for the experience.
I know that is easier said than done, but it's going to take practice and it's going to take strength. You're going to have to hear this message over and over and over again before you finally start to get it. Before you're finally able to let this person go for good. Usually that takes time or somebody else comes into your life and allows you to detach from that person because we don't attach very often.
It's well known in the recovery world that you have to go through a bunch of growing pains before you finally get over the addiction. That it’s going to take at least nine relapses before you finally get it and you finally start to see that moment of clarity. It is no different with love addiction. We're going to have to hear something over and over and over again, maybe 10 to 15 times, before it finally sets in us that this person is done. So when a dismissive breaks up with you and you're in this active love addiction it's important to listen to the people around you. They're going to be giving you a very good indication about just how this relationship looked to them. It's hard for you to see that when you're in it, so when you break up with somebody, or they break up with you, listen to the feedback from the people around you because they're going to be pointing you in the right direction.