No matter who you are, whatever attachment style, there will come someone who makes you break all of your rules and act differently than any other relationship. If you're someone that's younger, more confident, and has a lot more options, trust me, it will happen. During those relationships you struggle trying to regain your composure, take the right steps to get more communication or even get the relationship back in good standings. When you're in a relationship with someone who's a dismissive avoidant, that's an added layer of difficulty. So in today's video, I'll be responding to an email client who's asking a very popular question, “Does silence make a dismissive avoidant miss you?”.
Before I get into the content, if this is your first time coming to my channel, my name is Coach Court and I've been helping people navigate relationships for over the past 18 years. If you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com.
So I wanted to start this video out just a little bit differently. This person paid for me to respond via a video about this person that she's been seeing.
She says: “Hey coach I've been watching your channel for over three years and I thought I was done with dating avoidant men, but I got myself involved with another one and have been seeing him for a year and a half. We recently got into an argument that made him back away and he said something to the tune of ‘he felt emasculated’. I'm finally finding the guts to send you a message and possibly pay for a session since your advice has always been accurate. I've been sending him messages non-stop since I've seen him last and we had that argument, but he's not responding. I'm an anxious type and feel I've ruined it forever. The only reason I'm sending these messages is because I feel he won't miss me if I stop letting him know that I'm here. What do you suggest that I do?”
Well, in this scenario, you have to make them feel emotionally safe again. If you've reached out a lot of times, it's time to quit and let this marinate a little bit, because this isn't helping your case. You know the saying, ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’ and in this scenario I feel this is exactly what you need to do. I'm going give you an example. Based on my history of coaching, there have been countless times when I've seen avoidant exes happy to be back in contact with you, after you've given them that time to regroup themselves, go participate in their ‘creature comforts’ and start to feel differently about the relationship. They are often excited to tell you about all the things that they've done while you weren't talking, some of their accomplishments, almost like catching up with a mentor or a counselor. I recently reached out to a client I coached a couple years ago. She said that after our sessions together she didn't talk to her ex for another year. Then he reached out, wished her happy birthday and he was simply updating her about his life, but she felt like he was sort of bragging. I saw it more as him wanting her to be proud of all his growth that he's done, because he respected her. Now this particular guy, she had been with for five or six years, and we determined that he may have been more on the spectrum by some of his behaviors. That's something I've seen a lot over the years. I've worked with individuals with autism and narcissism, people in recovery, basically from all walks of life. So when it comes down to being able to understand what type of individual that you're dating, I know I've got my little barometer that's been pretty spot on over the years. Those are just a couple of real life examples that I've seen over the years when it comes to getting back with an avoidant ex.
So let's head back to the question “does silence make an avoidant ex miss you?”. It can, and I've seen it has, but here's the thing, even if they do miss you, you have to ask yourself, is this a type of dynamic that I want to stick around in? Is this something that I can do over and over again, because you never know what's going to trigger them, what's going to cause them to pull back and cause them to not want this relationship anymore. We all know that when you're in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant, they tend to have a lot of triggers, they tend to not be able to be present all the time, because they're constantly looking for reasons to leave the relationship. I'm going to tell you what those reasons are: fear, fear of change and fear of commitment. If you can't trust the dynamic and if you can't trust someone to guard your heart and protect your heart, then you have to ask yourself honestly. I'm talking to you specifically, to the lady who reached out to me about the guy that she was seeing. Do I want thick and thin,‘til death do us part. or do you want until I feel like I'm losing my autonomy? That's a big question.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], TikTok is [i.am.coachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt] and right here on YouTube is [coachcourt]. Thank you guys, and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.