In relationships involving someone with an avoidant attachment style, it's not uncommon to wonder if they change for the new person. That answer actually depends on several factors but it's important to clarify that Attachment Styles, particularly Avoidant Attachment Styles, don't typically change overnight.
However, certain dynamics in a new relationship could lead an avoidant person to appear differently or adapt their behavior temporarily, and this is probably what they did with you in the beginning of the relationship. They had an appetite for a relationship, but once they realized that it wasn't perfect, they started the flaw finding stage. So if you see them happy and frolicking with the new person, I'm going to give you five facts about that Dynamic to answer the question if they actually changed for the new person.
Before I get into the content a little bit of a disclaimer. This content isn't intended to give anyone false hope or to convince someone to stay in a dynamic that is unhealthy. If you're in a relationship where you feel your mental and physical health is being jeopardized, I seriously suggest that you think about whether this is the right relationship for you.
I'm going to give you five facts about your avoidant ex's new relationship and determine whether or not they've actually changed for that new person.
1. The first fact is they are most likely in the idealization stage of that relationship.
In all new relationships, the early stage is called the honeymoon stage. During that stage, someone with an avoidant attachment style might go through a phase of idealization which means that they are putting a relationship on a pedestal and everything is still perfect.
I talk often about how they have an appetite for a relationship and their companionship belly is actually rumbling. They might behave in ways that seem more open responsive and engaged, especially if they are attracted to the person or feel a strong initial connection. They may even make more of an effort to be emotionally available and supportive which can appear as if they've actually changed.
In reality though, this is often driven by the excitement of the new relationship or the desire to be accepted rather than a true lasting change. Over time, the new relationship settles into a routine, and the avoidant person attachment tendencies start to resurface. Such as distancing withdrawing or being uncomfortable with emotional intimacy, AKA their companionship belly becomes full, and they won't need as much companionship or something happens in that relationship that makes them lose their appetite altogether.
2. Fact number two, they will still fear being vulnerable. Avoidant individuals often have a fear of vulnerability and a tendency to keep emotional distance in relationships.
If they genuinely care about someone, they may try to suppress their tendencies out of fear of losing a person or being rejected. This will be unsustainable long term if they don't feel safe or secure enough to open up emotionally, and I believe that there's a good degree of masking that happens during that honeymoon stage and during the beginning, when they still viewed you as perfect.
Once that mask comes off and they start having more grievances, which all relationships do, we all have that power struggle stage that we get to. When we're in a relationship, I don't care what the attachment style, this is when your ex's new relationship will start to fall apart.
3. Which leads me to number three. There will without a doubt be triggers in the new relationship.
For example, if the new person is emotionally expressive, they're nurturing or persistent with seeking some type of emotional intimacy, then the person that has the avoidant attachment style, which is your ex. Will be very uncomfortable and maybe even more anxious about that relationship.
Guess what happens over time. This will lead them to either withdrawing or start distancing themselves, which will prove that they haven't actually changed. They were just masking like I talked about before.
4. The fourth fact is the avoidant ex of yours is most likely making adjustments to their behavior. I'm going to give you an example.
I was working with a client and in the beginning of the relationship this person that was an avoidant attacher, seemed more anxious than anything else. They didn't seem like a secure person for sure and they definitely didn't seem avoidant.
So because that person who had the avoidant attachment style was really hungry for that relationship, they made behavioral adjustments because they actually know what it is that you need; It's just that they can't sustain those things long term.Almost like he had an expiration date for when that perfect partner would disappear. My client felt duped, she felt betrayed, she felt like this person person that she's in a relationship with now , is totally different than the person that she met.
5. This last one, which is the most important one in my opinion, is they most likely won't become self-aware overnight.
I got my certification in emotional intelligence, and when I signed up for the course, like most people, I wasn't aware that there's a big difference between IQ and EQ. IQ is you know that you're just really intelligent. You have great books smarts. For EQ, you're aware of other people's energy and how what you do affects another person. So, when you're in a relationship with someone and you has low EQ, then it's going to make it really difficult for you to be able to have a healthy thriving relationship because most likely, you'll come off as very self-centered and not really aware of what the other person is experiencing.
For emotionally intelligent people, they're more of the managers, they're really good at conflict resolution. They can really get down to the core of what's happening in some of these disagreements that their employees are having. So, when you're in a relationship with an avoidant, they may become more self-aware of their attachment style and go through therapy or personal growth. This is a big maybe. They may even become more open and vulnerable. And in these cases, their behavior might shift over time, but this kind of change is usually gradual and requires a lot of effort.
It takes a lot of transformation from their end in order for that to happen.
So can someone who hasn't avoidant attachment style up their emotional intelligence?Absolutely... but it takes a lot of self-awareness, rewiring what happened to them in the past, and seeing this relationship as something that they truly want to stay in. They have to buy into the changes that they want to make for themselves.
I see age playing a major factor in this too. If they're younger, they may have the mentality of I'm young, maybe this person isn't right for me, I can find someone else. There's plenty of plenty of fish in the sea. If they're older, they may have the belief that if we have to go to therapy a counseling, then this person just isn't right for me. I'm not going to therapy, you're just not the right person for me.
Self-awareness is less likely to happen purely as a response to a new relationship, but more as a part of the individual's own development.
In conclusion.
Will they change for the new person... it's a coin flip. The odds are very slim, especially if they jumped out of a relationship with you and got into that new relationship right away. They haven't had the time to do some self-reflecting. They haven't had the time to truly understand what makes them tick, and how they're wired.
They're just going to take that baggage, like Wayne Dyer talked about, they will bring a lot of garbage into the new relationships instead of getting rid of all those bad feelings and bad emotions that they had in that previous relationship.
We throw it all into one big trash bag, throw it over our shoulder, get into the new relationship and just dump it out in the middle of the relationship.It usually doesn't happen right away, but eventually it will.
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-"When you go be love, you'll never have to find it"