Let’s be clear: the idea that any relationship can be perfect—without arguments or emotional tension—is a myth. But for many dismissive avoidants, this is the ideal they secretly chase.
They often imagine a relationship that’s effortless, low-pressure, and free of emotional demands. This belief alone can create friction. So if you're in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant (and they’re open to healing and growth), here’s how to make it healthier, happier, and more secure for both of you.
Understand the Root: Inconsistency
Dismissive avoidants often grow up in environments where emotional consistency was lacking. That’s where their self-sufficiency and emotional detachment began.
To help foster trust:
-
Text at regular times
-
Follow through on plans
-
Be predictable and grounded
Inconsistency, even small things like canceling last-minute, can look like abandonment to them.
It takes very little for them to deactivate. They’re often looking for signs that someone is unreliable or emotionally unsafe—and once they see them, they retreat.
Be Clear About Intentions
If you're not serious about the relationship, say so. Being vague or sending mixed signals can make things worse. Avoidants are already guarded—don’t give them more reason to shut down.
They need to feel that you're reliable and emotionally stable before they let their guard down.
Provide Support—Without Control
Dismissive avoidants crave support but fear control. There’s a difference between offering advice and trying to manage their life.
They appreciate:
-
A partner who helps them think things through
-
Gentle emotional encouragement
-
A stable presence—not a rescuer
If they sense judgment or control, they will shut down quickly.
Take the Attachment Style Quiz
Don’t Overwhelm Them
Avoidants are fiercely independent. If they feel you are too emotionally needy, they may start to view you more like a dependent than a partner.
To avoid overwhelming them:
-
Be direct about your needs, but don’t dump everything at once
-
Respect their need for space
-
Stay emotionally grounded, especially in moments of tension
They don’t want to take care of someone—
they want someone who can take care of themselves.
Ask for What You Need—Mindfully
You have every right to express your needs. But when communicating with an avoidant partner, be strategic.
Instead of saying:
-
"You never listen to me"
-
"You always ignore my feelings"
Try saying:
-
"I feel distant from you lately"
-
"I need more connection between us"
Using "I feel" statements keeps the conversation safe and productive.
Be Gentle with Criticism
Avoidants are highly sensitive to criticism. If they feel attacked, even unintentionally, they will begin to shut down.
Criticism reinforces their core fear: that vulnerability leads to pain or rejection.
Frame your feedback gently. Use soft startup language.
Make it about your experience, not their flaws.
The more emotionally safe they feel, the more open they’ll be.
Final Thought
Being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant can be challenging—but not impossible. With consistency, emotional intelligence, and compassion, the relationship can grow in a healthy direction—as long as both people are willing to do the work.
💬 Want help navigating an avoidant dynamic?
Book a 30-minute session and get customized coaching to create clarity and connection in your relationship.
And remember: When you go be love, you’ll never have to find it.
Namaste.
Bonus Youtube Video And Script
What it's like being in a relationship with a dismissive avoidant and what they feel a perfect relationship looks like? First off, that's a flaw in itself that they feel all relationships are going to be perfect and that they never have arguments. That's false.
I want to help you keep the relationship healthy, keep it happy, and keep things progressing in the right direction. That's if your dismissive avoidant is willing to meet you in the middle, and heal their attachment style, so both of you guys can become more secure.
The first thing you need to understand about their attachment style is when it was being formed there was a lack of consistency. That's where you want to start. You want to make sure that you are consistent with what you're doing. If you're texting them, text them at regular times. If you're meeting with them, meet them at regular times. If you plan things, make sure you follow through on your plans. As soon as you decide to bail on them, to them it will look as if you're abandoning them. That you can't be trusted and that you can't follow through on what you say you're going to do. They're going to start to deactivate.
It takes very little for a dismissive avoidant to deactivate. They're always looking for a reason to deactivate, so if you are somebody who isn't serious about the relationship and you're just there to have fun, you need to be upfront about that. Otherwise what you're going to do is you're going to cause further damage and cause them to be even more dismissive in their way. So, if you want to have a healthy relationship with a dismissive, make sure that you are consistent, you do what you say you're going to do, and you are always there to support them.
Dismissive avoidant want support, period. Support is huge for them whether it’s family, friends, or their romantic partner. They want somebody who's gonna always be there for them and that will give them some advice. Not because you're trying to control them, but because you're just there to try to help them figure things out and help improve the quality of their life. If they feel like you are there to criticize them and control them, that's a big no-no. That's when they'll start to deactivate because, like I said, they deactivate really easily. Their threshold and their tolerance for nonsense, control, and criticism is very slim.
The next thing is to not overwhelm them. They feel very overwhelmed when they feel pressured and when they feel like you're needy and you're asking too much of them. Let's not forget that dismissive avoidants are very self-sufficient and independent, so when they feel somebody is acting like another child, they'll shut down. They'll get really annoyed with you and they'll start to deactivate. They don't want to have to take care of somebody. They want that person to be self-sufficient and independent themselves. Of course you don't want to take it to the extreme level like they take it to, which is that they don't need anybody for anything at any time. When somebody does penetrate those walls of theirs, they still have that mindset that they don’t want to ask you for anything. They don’t want to need anything from you. So I'm not saying go that extreme with it, but you have to ask for your needs.
They can’t read your mind so you need to ask for your needs, but you want to make sure that you're very mindful about how much you ask of them. If you start to see them feel overwhelmed by you asking so much and they start to withdraw, then that's a sign that they are starting to deactivate. That’s when they start to reconsider their feelings for you, or the relationship in general.
The last one is don't criticize them. They already fear being vulnerable with people and communicating what they need, so when you come with some type of criticism about how they're feeling or the way they're doing things, they're going to withdraw from the relationship. They're not going to trust you as much. It's going to take a lot of work to get them back trusting you to the level that they were before, so you want to be careful about how you engage in the criticism that you're going to give them.
I always tell my clients to start with “I feel.” Don't go at them with “you this” and “you that.” You want to really make sure that you're using that so you take the sting out of it. Then you're not automatically putting up their walls by attacking them. They don't like being attacked. They have a very low threshold for nonsense, and criticism is considered nonsense to them.