I know what the title says, but I'm going to replace the word "honest" with "conscious" because I don't necessarily believe that dismissive avoidants are going around being dishonest with someone. I think that they're just not very conscious about the decisions that they're making.
If a dismissive avoidant was truly and fully conscious about what they're feeling and experiencing in relationship, it probably would sound something like this.
Look, I care about you, but I can't show it the way that you want me to. At their core, dismissive avoidants do care about their partners, right? Not to be confused with someone diagnosed with narcissism.
The difference is that they express their feelings in ways that don't always match up with what others are expecting or need from them. Emotional intimacy can feel overwhelming, so they may seem distant or detached, even though they still care deeply about their partner. Their honesty will reflect their inner conflict. They care, but they struggle to connect on levels that their partner wants or needs.
If an avoidant was conscious, they would say something like this. I need space to feel safe. I don't want to feel smothered. For a dismissive avoidant, independence and their personal space are non-negotiables. When they feel their autonomy is threatened or if they're pushed for more closeness than they're comfortable with, they feel anxious or trapped. And what they really want is space, but they may have trouble communicating that need clearly. Which often leads to confusion in relationships.
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If they were conscious, they'd admit that needing space isn't about rejecting the other person. It's just about maintaining their sense of safety and security within their autonomy. If an avoidant was conscious, they would say something like I don't trust easily and it takes me a long time to open up. Dismissive Avoidants have often experienced emotional pain or rejection in their past, leading them to develop a trust but verify mentality.
They might say something like I can't let you in fully until I know you'll still be there when I do. They may not openly express this hesitation, but they often keep emotional distance until they're sure they can trust someone. Their guardedness is a defense mechanism, not a reflection of how they feel about the person. They just don't want to be hurt again.
If an Avoidant was conscious, they'd say something like I push people away because I'm afraid of being vulnerable for many dismissive avoidance. Vulnerability is the ultimate fear, and opening up emotionally means risking rejection, and that's terrifying.
If they were completely conscious, though, which not all of us are, they may say I don't know how to share my emotions without feeling exposed or weak. Instead of being vulnerable, they cope by withdrawing or avoiding deep emotional conversations. They can even push partners away to stop themselves from feeling that deep intimacy. Because they fear it and it makes them feel overwhelmed.
If an avoidant was conscious, they would say I'm not sure how to be there for you emotionally. DA's often don't know how to respond when their partner expressed emotional neediness or wants more emotional connection. This doesn't mean that they don't care. It means that they don't have the tools or comfort level to be emotionally available. They may say something like I don't know what to say when you're upset, so I just shut down. Their emotional world is often much more internally focused. And they simply don't know how to engage in the kind of emotional give and take that the other attachment styles might naturally engage in.
An example was a client that I worked with. She was in a relationship with someone that's a DA and she had this family crisis. And instead of this person stepping up to the plate and saying, hey, I'm here for you, I know you know, I can, I should be there to support you in this case. What he actually did was broke up with her and she wasn't quite sure how to take that. You know, she felt very betrayed. She felt as if this person abandoned her months down the line.
When he ended up popping back up in the picture, he told her exactly what happened. I felt overwhelmed. I didn't know how to support you in that moment, so my natural response was to shut down and just completely distance myself from the whole thing. I knew that you were overwhelmed, so I didn't want to be someone that caused more stress in your life.
If an avoidant is conscious, they would say something like I want closeness. But it feels like it might swallow me whole. While dismissive avoidance often seem like they don't care or intimacy, many of them do crave closeness in their own way. They may say something like I want to get close to you, but I'm scared it will take me away from my freedom or my independence.
The idea of relying on someone emotionally can feel like a burden to them, even though they deeply desire companionship, which is what happened with the person that I coached before, the way that they operated, if they were going through a family crisis. They wouldn't want someone there to be all up under them and trying to help support them. It's just something that they need to do on their own.
If an avoidant was conscious, they would say I don't know how to express my emotions without feeling like I'm losing control. For dismissive avoidants, emotions can feel messy and uncontrollable. They may be used to handling situations with logic and detachment, which makes emotional expression feel uncomfortable or even frightening. But in a conscious moment, they may say I don't know how to let myself feel without getting overwhelmed.
If I start, I'm afraid I won't stop. It's easier for them to keep things internalized and to risk becoming emotionally vulnerable, especially. If they've been taught that showing feelings is a sign of weakness, and this is usually the case when you're in a relationship with someone with an avoidant with an avoiding attachment style, they will tell you that this has happened to them in their childhood.
A huge piece of the dismissive avoidant attachment style emotional world is rooted in past wounds. Their detachment isn't just a personality trait, it's a survival mechanism. If they were conscious, they'd admit. I push people away because I don't want to feel the pain of rejection or betrayal again.
Their past experiences, whether from childhood or early relationships, have taught them that emotional closeness equals pain. So they keep people at arm's length to protect themselves. But if they were conscious. They'd say I don't know how to let you in without feeling like I'm losing myself.
If they were conscious, they'd say I'm afraid that if I let you in, I'll lose my independence and I won't know who I am anymore. Their sense of self is often tightly connected to their autonomy, and emotional closeness feels like it could swallow their individuality. They may want intimacy. But have a deep seated fear of being consumed by it.
For Dismissive Avoidants, withdrawal isn't a punishment or a sign of disinterest. It's how they recharge and regain their emotional balance. Once again, that is the exact opposite of someone who struggles with narcissism, because they usually weaponize that silence in order to get you to comply with something that they want from you, or to punish you for something that you've done in that relationship.
If you've ever encountered A dismissive avoidant that were more conscious about their inner world. The relationships will look a lot differently than the ones that you guys are probably here for in this video.
And it's really exciting to see a dismissive avoidant start to make these changes and really rewire their emotional world because then it gives you hope that the relationship that you're striving for is right there in front of you. So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me my other social media accounts.
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Thank you guys,
And always remember, when you go and be love, you'll never have to find it.
Namaste