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You can sense that it's kind of ‘love bombing’ and the avoidants don't do it in a ‘love bomby’ way. It's actually that they kind of choke it back and they really don't want to say it.
Because avoidants find vulnerability very difficult, I'm going to give you five ways to tell that an avoidant is actually in love with you. The reason that I made this video is because I have a lot of clients that are in relationships with avoidants and because they're a little bit distant and detached from them, they're not quite sure how they feel about them. Also, for the people who have broken up with an avoidant or have gotten broken up with. I want to give you guys a little bit of clarity on whether that relationship was something that was actually important to that avoidant. I know people in the comment section are going to say “it doesn't really matter because we're broken up” and “we need to just move on”, but in order to find closure, you find that acceptance in that breakup. I think all relationships that end, you have to be able to get to that acceptance stage in order for you to truly be able to let go, heal and move on. So there are five things that they will say or they'll do that show you that they're actually in love with you, or were at some point, in love with you.
The first thing that they would do, is they share things with you that they've never shared with anyone else. What that means is, they can have some very traumatizing stories that they hold to themselves because they don't like oversharing their personal life and their personal information. If they're in love with you or if they're starting to fall in love with you, they can let their guards down to be a little bit more vulnerable than they would with someone that they've dated in the past or someone they just kind of had a fling with. So if you've heard the stories about how mom did this or dad did that, or someone in the family did something egregious towards them, and they won't go to a counselor, they won't go to a therapist to dissect what exactly happened to them, then most likely they are trusting you and trust is a big thing for them. It's really a milestone that you cross when you're able to get their trust and earn their trust.
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The second thing that an avoidant would do is they'll provide acts of service. If you guys are familiar with the book by Gary Chapman called “Five Love Languages”, one of those love languages are acts of service. This is one that I see a lot of avoidants really utilize to their advantage because they don't have to talk about their feelings, they don't have to talk about their emotions. It's a way of them showing you their love for you instead of having to actually be that vulnerable to just outright say it. Let's not forget, most of the individuals who end up with an avoidant attachment style, they’ve never had this level of communication, this level of nurturing and trust as a child.
The third thing that they will do is they'll initiate more contact with you and they'll be wanting to see you more. You’ll start to see this later on when they start to fall out of love with you, but when they're falling in love with you or when they're in love with you, they will give you their time, they will be present. They'll go to the family functions, they'll go to the games and all the things in the society. This is one of the reasons too, why a lot of people get caught off guard, because in the beginning, the avoidant will pursue you, they will initiate the contact. They'll set up the first dates, they'll do all those different things in order for you to feel like ‘oh this relationship could be going somewhere’ or ‘this person is really into me’.
The fourth thing that you'll see is something that they will say. I've heard this from a lot of clients, I've heard this when people say “hey I know for a fact that my dismissive avoidant loved me because they said things like, I never thought I'd find someone like this or I've never had this feeling before. If they've said something like that to you, then just know that they really felt that when they were in that moment. This is different from when someone's dealing with someone who's narcissistic. Whenever we're having those conversations and I ask them certain questions, they'll give me without a shadow of a doubt that this person said these things and they actually believed it and they felt it, they just had this connection with that person, then just know, that that was actually something that they truly felt. However, for someone that's on the narcissistic spectrum you can sense that it's kind of ‘love bombing’ and the avoidants don't do it in a ‘love bomby’ way. It's actually that they kind of choke it back and they really don't want to say it, but it's something about being in those moments that allow for them to be that vulnerable with you. So that's the reason why I put that one in here for when they're falling in love with you.
The last one is they'll share their resources with you. This means they'll share finances, they'll share connections with people that they have in a network, as far as workwise, they'll really be someone that's a good team player and have your back. The reason I even decided to put that one in there too is because there can be a little bit of confusion of narcissism and avoidants. People who are on that narcissistic spectrum, they typically don't want to share anything. If they do share something, it'll be kind of an investment on something that they can get in return.
Thank you guys and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it.