From experience, the attachment style that tends to have the most regrets with some of the behaviors that they show is usually the fearful avoidant.
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In today's video, we're going to talk about five behaviors that the fearful avoidant will show that they usually regret.
The very first one is they lash out verbally or physically. Now, we don't want someone lashing out or we don't want to lash out at someone physically. Usually this can be displayed by someone who has all different types of personality disorders or someone who is just dysregulated and doesn't know how to express their feelings, their emotions, and it usually comes out in some type of unhealthy form. Usually it's just verbal. Usually it's just them either getting really upset or saying some things that they regret, but if it's not, if it's more that physical side, that's something you really want to dig a little bit deeper into. Being around someone that's dysregulated like that, that struggles with anger issues, it's something you really don't need to put yourself in, but I'm not going to lecture you here. The fearful avoidants that I've work with, usually are regretful and remorseful about what they've done and what they've said.
The second thing that they would do is they'll block or they'll delete the contact, more commonly they'll delete the thread. One of my clients that I was working with, I hadn't spoken to her in months, I asked her what had happened with her and her boyfriend. She said ‘I don't know because I deleted the text messages’. I'm like, so do you still have his number? She's like ‘no I got rid of it. In conflict with someone I delete because I don't want to go back and ruminate on what I said or what I’d done’. I'm like, so you really don't want to face it, you don't want to face the music? She's like ‘you’re always calling me out’. Well, I'm just calling it for how it is. That's something that the fearful avoidant usually regrets. They usually feel a certain type of way and not being able to go back and process some of the conversations that they've had. If it's something that they felt deeply ashamed about, most likely they deleted it because they didn't want to see it, they didn't want to face it. This is something that's healthy to move through, and if you're going to block someone, I usually say, don't block someone unless you're completely moving on. If you know that this type of dynamic isn't a relationship that's going to work for you in the future, then completely block them for your healing to move on. However, if you're blocking simply because you're in an emotional state or you wanted to try to get some type of emotional reaction from them, then I would say don't do it. That's a protest, that's something that is in a way manipulative, and also I think that a person that blocks, they look emotionally unstable. If you are going to be someone that's going to be blocking, unblocking, messaging, deleting and unsending the message, maybe you need to take a break from the phone. Maybe you need to take a break from that communication with that person. Communicate to them that you’re not going to be responding because you’re triggered, and because you’re feeling a certain type of way.
The third thing that I see them do is they relapse. If they've had some type of issue with chemical dependency or if they had issues with sleeping around or having too many relationships with people, they'll go back to that as their default. They usually regret it because they beat themselves up, this was something they were really not trying to do. So before you decide to make this decision, journal about what you're feeling and what you're going through. Look back at your patterns from the past and what has worked for you and what hasn't worked. Usually going and drinking or doing whatever you're going to do to make you feel numb in that moment, is it going to be something that's going to help you grow, is it going to be growth promoting.
The fourth one that I see is not setting boundaries early on and this is before you even get into conflict in that relationship. When you're dating and you're getting to know someone within that first month, a couple months, this is the perfect time for you to set boundaries for yourself. This is when you haven't gotten attached to that person. This is also a good test to see how this person's going to respond when you set healthy boundaries for yourself. If they don't show a healthy response when you say ‘hey I don't like when you speak to me that way, I know you're just joking, this is just a joke, but this is the way that it made me feel’. If they respond in a way of being dismissive like ‘oh you're just being too sensitive’, that's a dynamic that I would really consider not putting any more energy or effort in, because In a way, that's going to make you feel some type of way. If it makes you feel this way month 1, then imagine how it's going to make you feel year 1. So if you don't set these healthy boundaries early on and I know that you're doing it because you don't want to rock the boat, you'll be regretting these things later on.
The fifth and last one, which there's obviously more, but I just want to cover these five, is refusing to contact that person first. Even if you were the one that were in the wrong, you may have started the dispute, you may have been in a bad mood, had a bad day at work, might have been triggered because of something, the stubbornness that fearful avoidant can show, can be very frustrating for not only themselves but for other people. It's almost like analysis paralysis. Like they're really in their head and their thoughts about ‘should I break no contact, I don't want to look weak, I don't want to look like a fool, I don't want to come chase after someone’. To ‘no he needs to contact me first’. So they're stuck in this really weird loop of ‘should I’ or ‘shouldn't I’, and it's exhausting to them, but the regret that I see them feeling later on, is not reaching out to that person, after that conflict, after that breakup, to kind of relieve some of that person's pain. They feel bad and they feel shameful about just allowing for that person to be in that much pain. This is what you'll see if you are in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and they have gone no contact, they come back really remorseful. They're apologizing, they're talking about the things that they regretted that happened during the breakup or during that conversation. So if you're a fearful avoidant, this is your common experience, but you are able to work through these things by learning this type of information, and dedicating yourself to healing.
So if you found this video of any value please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt] and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.