In today's blog I want to talk to you about orbiting on social media. I have a couple messages from social media that went along with the topic for today.
The first one is a woman in college. She says, “Hi Coach Court, I saw your TikTok about social media with your ex, so here's my deal. My ex broke up with me because he felt I loved him more. It's been a month now and I blocked him on my Instagram because it hurts me mentally to see his profile and what he's doing.”
I often say that if you feel like it's going to be detrimental to your mental health then just don't even have them on there, but if you ever want to have some type of relationship with them in the future, you don't want to block them. You don't want to look like you aren't mentally stable and you can't stay centered within yourself. You're just upset at that moment so you do something irrational like block them all across social media platforms.
“He made a fake Instagram account and now looks at my stories more than once a day, every day. I want him back eventually. What should I do? Should I go private? Would that make him miss me?”
No you don't want to go private. You don't want to do any of that because essentially that's all protesting behaviors. You want to be consistent and you want to show them that no matter what you do to me, I'm just going to be me. I'm going to stay the way that I am and I'm not going to let you draw me into doing something that's uncharacteristic that shows that I'm angry or upset or spiteful. You want to stay centered and don't play into the games. Don't take anything personal and don't make any assumptions.
That's what happens when we're in relationships with somebody that's a love avoidant type. We take these things personally and we start to make assumptions. We start to assume that maybe this is just me, maybe something's wrong with me.
She goes on to say, “I want to make him miss me, but I feel if I go on private and he can't see my stuff anymore on his burner account he will get over me.”
So what you’re saying is you want him to come back towards you and you want him to continue to build up that FOMO (fear of missing out). You want to allow him to process the breakup on his own terms, but you also want him back. You can’t play these games. You need to stay who you are and if it's too much, delete them, and then you need to start healing yourself and completely x out all expectations of trying to get that person back in the future. If this is the case, then just move on. It seems like you don't really know what you want so just move on and find somebody more suitable.
You also want to check yourself and try to understand where you're getting all of these inconsistent behaviors from too. Why do you feel the need to have to play these games and block him? Get yourself centered and become self-reliant. Breakups are hard, especially when you have such a bond and a connection with somebody, but you really want to center yourself. Get to where you need to be mentally.
The next comment is from a guy that's in college. “Hello Mr. Court. I'm currently a freshman and I have an issue that I need input on. About a month ago I met a girl and now I’ve fallen for her badly. For about a week it seemed like she had high interest. I would walk her back to our dorms on two occasions, and after a while I didn't want to waste any more time. I ended up asking her if she wanted to pursue a relationship. What confuses me the most is even though she did reject me, she still views my story and responds back very quickly.”
You don't want to take that personal because when you're on social media you have to think about how you operate. Sometimes you're not romantically interested in people, but you watch their stories on social media or you like their posts. You're just friends with them and you're just curious and interested in their life. Just because they're watching your stories and they're orbiting you doesn't mean they want you back and it doesn't mean that you're somebody that they were meant to be with.
Sometimes you accidentally scroll to that person’s story and next thing you know your little name popped up. Just understand that just because she's viewing your stories doesn’t necessarily mean anything. The fact that you guys can't talk in person means that there's definitely some type of uncomfortableness there.
I would just say move on. If things progress into something a little bit more intense, then I think that's something that would be in your favor, but for right now don't try to force things. Don't try to get some type of label onto what you guys have.
For people who are love avoidants things really change when you put the label on a relationship. They feel like they have to show up a certain way and they feel like they have to act totally different than what they were acting before. They feel like you have this expectation for them to show up and be something more than what they want to be in that current moment. I think that's kind of what she was trying to tell you. Like let's just see where this goes. Let's just have fun, be relaxed, and not have expectations. You're a freshman so just focus on your purpose and your mission in life. Right now you're investing in yourself so try not to waste that time.
In conclusion, I feel like you really need to take social media with a grain of salt. Just because they're viewing your stories or orbiting you, and they seem as if they're interested in your life, that doesn't mean they want some type of romance from you.