The fifth one is one that I think a lot of coaches skip over. Make sure that your emotional state is regulated. You're going to push them further away because you want to get a little bit too lovey dovey within that conversation.
Before you read the thumbnail and start your rage comments, let me just say something here. Hear me out all right, hear me out here. People are going to do exactly what they want to do whether I give them advice or not. This video is to help them get the best results for themselves. There are five things that I believe is an absolute must in order for them to heal in a shorter timeframe or for them to completely disconnect from this person.
Quick disclaimer, this video isn't intended to replace therapy, give anyone false hope or convince someone to stay in a relationship where their mental health is being jeopardized. If you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com.
In today's video, I'm going to be talking about what you need to do before you decide to break no contact with a dismissive avoidant. I'm going to keep this video short, so I'm going to get to it right away.
The first thing that you need to do is lose all expectations before you reach out to this person. There's a quote that I heard a very long time ago that says “expectations are premeditated resentments”. So, when you do decide to break no contact, first you need to check what your intentions are behind this, because a lot of people that come to me, they're very convinced that ‘well I'm just doing this because I care about this person’. However, when we do a little bit of digging, I figure out that it's not exactly what you're thinking. You have an expectation here, you want a specific result, and until you get to the point where you can just let go of all of the results, then if you're not there yet, you should not reach out to this person. If you still have these expectations, just don't.
The second thing that you need to do is make a list of your relationship values, the positives and the negatives. When I work with clients, I have them break down a certain list that I have for relationship values. Make a check or an “X”, whether they align in those certain areas or not. These can be things like: companionship, communication, religious beliefs, and the list goes on and on, but I think that in order for you to have a clear view of what exactly you're doing, you need to make this list to give yourself a little bit more clarity and peace of mind.
The third thing is crucial. Make sure that you're within the timeframe of when an avoidant will be more receptive. Most of the time, they'll still be deactivated six weeks out. This can go all the way to six months. I've seen it happen, where eight months, a year, I promise you, eight months, 10 months, a year, where the person will still be deactivated and they'll still have these feelings for you, but they're just too, I guess you would say, stubborn, or the ego prevents them from reaching back out to you. I know what you're going to say, ‘I'm not waiting a year for anyone’, which I agree, there are certain things that are extreme, but if you're trying to reconnect with an avoidant, you have to take heed that it takes at least 6 weeks for them to really start feeling things.
The fourth thing that you need to do is make a checklist of what your relationship needs are, because many people don't actually know what it is that they need to feel safe, secure and loved in a relationship vs. what were the needs that this person was meeting for you. This list is intended to put things into perspective for you to see if you even want to reenter this type of dynamic. Most of the time, I see that people have a checklist where the negatives are here [uses hand to show a high value] and the positives are here [uses hand to show a low value]. That lets me know that you're just insecurely attached and you're more longing for what could have been, instead of what you actually had.
The fifth one is one that I think a lot of coaches skip over. Make sure that your emotional state is regulated and you don't overstay your welcome once you do get back in contact with them, or you don't say anything that's going to set you back. If you do, you're going to push them further away because you want to get a little bit too lovey dovey within that conversation because then that's going to make them, those loving messages (a lot of the times what I see is) they just don't even respond to those.
I'm going close it out with this though. When you feel like you can be your authentic self in a relationship where you feel like you have a lot of love to give and this person just isn't receiving it. You have to seriously reflect on whether or not this is the person for you. That means there's a compatibility issue here, and when you fake it for so long, you know you can't fake it to make it in a relationship, your authentic feelings will eventually come out, especially if you're someone that's leaning more towards the insecure attachment. Keep your self-respect, keep your dignity, above all else when you decide to reach back out to this person. The more rejection that you feel, the bigger the gash, the bigger that wound is going to open up within yourself, and I just don't want that for you guys. I want you to be your most authentic, loving, secure self when you're deciding to break no contact. Many coaches would say ‘just don't break no contact’ and sometimes, I agree. Other times, when I know that this person that is trying to reach back out was the one to have pushed them away, and the relationship could have moved in a better direction, then that's when I advise to do these five things that I just talked about.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt], and right here on YouTube is [coachcourt], and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.