Ever since I've gotten into this coaching space of attachment style, there's been one common thing that I've seen happening from people that I've been coaching or people that's following me on Instagram or YouTube, and just commented in the comment section. They've all decided to come to the same conclusion, ‘I'm just going to detach’. I'm going to start treating people the same exact way that they've been treating me. I'm never going to make myself vulnerable to people anymore, I'm just going to just do me. Let me just tell you that I really do believe that that's a mistake. I think it's more of a trauma response. It's a mistake that I've made over my life when I was an anxious preoccupied person that was really triggered. I told myself that I was going to become a dismissive avoidant and it doesn't work that way. Because, guess what, you start to move through other attachment styles before you become a secure person or whether you even change into an avoidant. The attachment style that I started to see myself become and identify more with, is the fearful avoidant attachment.
In today's video we're going to talk about why I feel that detachment is not the answer, but before I get into that, if you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com.
Here's why I feel detachment is not the answer when you're going through a breakup. I understand that you may be struggling and this is something that you really want to get a grasp on in the future, but what I see happening is a lot of sabotage in other relationships in the future, that could potentially be really healthy and something that can help you heal and become more secure. I heard this quote a long time ago and it went like this. “Attachment is the root of all suffering”. As I started to go down the rabbit hole, I learned that this was more of a Buddhist philosophy, which led me to things like Dr Wayne Dyer's work and Sadhguru. I actually started reading this book “Tao Te Ching” by Lau Tzu. I'll include that link in the description below. What this book talks about is finding balance and just finding that middle ground. The black and the light, the ying and the yang symbol, is learning how to live right in between that line between the black and the light. So not too attached or not too detached, living right there in that middle ground. I like my things right, I like my relationships, I like attaching to things, it's just kind of how I am. After a while, I learned that it didn't really serve me very much. Once a person decides to move on and say ‘hey this isn't a relationship for them’, I have to be able to come to terms with that as quickly as possible, before the suffering actually starts. So I thought that detaching from people is not only something that I can't naturally do, it's just not who I am, it's not how I'm wired. It actually starts causing more pain to other people, but you're not actually living in your natural essence. So the solution that I have, instead of having a detachment mindset, is working on your emotional intelligence, becoming more self-reliant, learn how to become interdependent instead of independent. These are all things that's really worth going down the rabbit hole and actually learning how to do. Becoming a secure person, you live a happier, more fulfilled life. You realize ‘I don't need people in my life, I want them, I have no control over them’. For example, I have no control over this camera right now, I hit the button, I pray it works, I hope it comes on, but I have no control over it. I'm not a mechanic, I'm not an electrical engineer or whatever it is that makes this camera work. So if you learn to adapt that mindset in every part of your life (I mean certain areas you do need control over, like your finances, your living quarters and even your pet, if your pet's going to bite someone), but when it comes to free will and someone saying ‘I no longer want this relationship’, you have to understand that that's okay.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt] and right here on YouTube [coachcourt]. Thank you guys and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.