There's a ton of misinformation about the avoidant attachment style that I like to clear up today. One of the reasons that I even decided to focus specifically on attachment style theory is because of the confusion and the hurt that people endure while dating someone with an insecure attachment style. Anxious people can make others feel untrustworthy and not good enough. Avoidants can make people feel neglected. Let's not forget that all insecure attachers can have a level of narcissism that's going to muddy the water completely. Now, the other reason that I decided to go this route is because I was tired of all the anxious and avoidant attachers being lumped into one bucket. We're all different right? It's called an attachment style theory for a reason. While it may be more accurate than a hypothesis, you still have to view everyone as being their own unique selves. With that being said, the belief that avoidant attachers were just people who slept around and can only get close to someone during sex is only 50% true. I can tell you that this isn't an experience for all avoidants. From my experience, there are two types of sexual behaviors from avoidants and I'm going to answer that question right now, “do avoidants only bond during sex?”.
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Here are a couple comments that I've come across on the channel:.
“Avoidants are very quick to have sex with new partners because they don't view sex as intimacy. It's very detached emotionally for them, sort of like a handshake for normal people.”
What about what happens when those walls come down and they start to really trust and love you, and that scares them so much that they deactivate and sabotage the relationship? Those are two very real scenarios when it comes to being in a relationship with an avoidant attacher. I want to know something here real quick that I decided to just write down. It's just a quick memo about facts about what I've learned about avoidants. When it comes to sex, I've seen avoidant men get attached way faster to women, but the women, not so much. I've also seen avoidant women in relationships be more open to having sex out of obligation, because they felt this is what healthy relationships should look like and they don't necessarily bond doing those sexual acts.
Now, I've seen two types of avoidant sexual behaviors from my experience and from clients: the avoidants that were not sexual at all and avoidants that only wanted a sexual connection. The avoidants that prefer casual relationships or friends with benefit scenarios; these arrangements are often less emotionally investing and allow them to maintain their independence. The avoidants who enter into a relationship that only want a sexual relation, are usually turned off when they form some type of emotional connection. I was told by a client that the reason that it happened for him is because when he begins to see a relationship as more of a family dynamic, like a brother or sister type of vibe, he can't remain sexually attracted. It almost felt like he was violating someone pure and he wanted to keep viewing that person as pure. So he still would be attracted to other women, it's just that being intimate with someone really close turned him off. I was also told by another guy that has a dismissive avoidant attachment style that he couldn't be intimate with his partner if he had any type of grievances with that person. Like if he had an argument or even if things felt like he was being judged or criticized about his political views, then he'll shut it all the way down. I know that sounds trivial, but the negative emotions made it physically impossible for him to have sex or even show any type of affection like he normally would. I used an example in my past video about how an avoidant broke up with someone because they felt judged about the way they loaded the dishwasher and honestly that was like the ‘straw that broke the relationships’ back’. There was something deeper running there that the person just didn't pick up on.
Now, as far as the avoidants who aren't sexual at all, I'm willing to bet that they were the ones who were slow to open up sexually to begin with. You crossed the line and had sex, and then there was a drought after that or they withdrew emotionally shortly after you were intimate. These avoidants find it extremely difficult to sleep around, have one night stands or even try to juggle multiple people. They don't have any more emotional resources to give anyone else, let alone try to hide something from you. They're most likely cheating on you for “Games of Thrones” or extra hours at work or even “World of Warcraft”, but these avoidant types break the myth that they only prefer casual hookups. I’d like you guys to remember though that these are general patterns and not every avoidant individual behaves the same way. Attachment styles can evolve over time with self-awareness, therapy, coaching and will help with how people connect emotionally and physically with their partners.
In conclusion, avoidants actually do bond during sex, yes they do, but not in the same way as someone with a secure attachment style. It's a 50/50 gamble if you decide to get into a relationship with someone that's an avoidant. Like I always say, I suggest that you really weigh the pros and the cons of this relationship. Take it with a grain of salt while you're intimate, while you're in the act of having sex, if they're saying things that are dopamine enriching and saying ‘hey you're the best lover I've ever had’ or ‘I've never experienced this’ or any of those type of things, take that with a grain of salt, you're in the moment. Usually what happens is after that moment passes, you'll see a pullback, you'll see a withdrawal and you'll start to see that they kind of think to themselves, they reflect to themselves like, ‘I think I was a little bit too open, a little bit too vulnerable in that moment’, so that's when you'll see that pullback. When you guys have this beautiful weekend together and all of a sudden you don't hear from until Wednesday/Thursday/Friday. This is a very real concern if you're continuing a relationship with an avoidant or you're entering one, with one.
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