In today's blog I want to talk to you about the dismissive avoidant and what goes through their mind during no contact and when you're implementing a no contact rule.
First, I don’t think you should call it the no contact rule. I think that no contact sounds like somebody is manipulating. I think you should call it the self-discovery rule because you should be discovering yourself when you're not communicating with that person. You should be working on yourself and creating a healthier mindset for yourself.
I want to share an email from somebody who reached out for some advice. Instead of responding via email, I'm going to respond here.
“Hi, I really need your help. My two year relationship ended when my ex-boyfriend broke up with me three months ago. I really loved him and believed that we had a pure and real relationship. The reason for our breakup was that he believed we were incompatible and couldn't be happy with each other long term. That led to him losing his feelings for me. I, however, have faith that we can be happy with each other. I was heartbroken. Begged and pleaded a little initially and then slowly stopped communicating with him. I developed my thinking, matured up, and began focusing on myself.”
Now, after this email she also disclosed that she had discovered that he had started talking to somebody (one of their mutual friends) and had started posting on social media with this person. So back to the email.
“I have now tried to cut contact from both of them. I still love him and this situation really hurts. What should I do? Re-establish an emotional connection with him or completely cut off and see whether he even cares to miss me? Is dating another friend who became their confidant after our breakup still classified as a rebound? What can be done now? Please help.”
I would say do what sits right with your soul. I don't believe that this relationship started right after the breakup. I think this could have been something that crossed over into the original relationship which is the reason that he ended up being with this person almost immediately after they broke up.
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She believes that he may be a dismissive avoidant. That could be true, but usually dismissives are private. They don't like to share their relationship status with people and they don't like people being in their business. The fact that he was so open to do that feels like there was something else going on. He could have just not been into the relationship anymore. This is all speculation and based off of the little bit of email exchanges we've had. She went on to ask if him being an avoidant had anything to do with the rebound relationship and how to get him to miss her.
First up, you can't get him to miss you while he's still in this relationship. That's going to be something really difficult to do because right now he's probably in the honeymoon phase and it's really hard for people to see clearly when they're in the beginning of the relationship. The phase where nothing their partner does is flawed or they can't see the red flags. So I would distance myself from both of them. Don't check their social media, don't check anything that has anything to do with them because it's just gonna make you hurt more. It's going to delay your healing process. You have to heal from this breakup in order to move on.
As far as what the dismissive avoidant is feeling during no contact, the first phase they're going to be feeling is the relief phase. They are going to be happy to be out of the relationship, they are going to be happy not to have to show up as a certain person with certain expectations put upon them, they are going to try to bury those feelings in the beginning and that's going to be for about the first month. They are going to most likely be posting things that they are doing in the community or doing with other people. They are going to be excited to not have the drama and the stress that comes along with the relationship.
You may see them reaching out to you or orbiting your social media. They might be liking posts and they may even send you a message. Just a real light toned, “hey just checking in on you,” message, but that doesn't mean that they want to get back with you. That doesn't mean that no contact is actually working. It could be them just trying to either break from you or just not be completely gone out of your life. What I've learned is when people break up with you they will most likely try to offer you the friend zone, especially if he wasn't a bad person. If you were somebody who actually turned out to be a really good friend, but just not a romantic candidate, then they will probably offer you that up front.
As far as the dismissive more specifically, most likely they'll just fade to black and you won't hear from them after that first month. Around almost a two month mark is when the dismissive avoidant is going to really start to feel things. They are going to start feeling the breakup. I've coached clients and they told me that that's the time where they start to get emotional and they start to regret the breakup. They start to feel silly for even thinking about reaching out to you because most likely they think that you may have moved on.
Here's the beautiful thing about the no contact rule, though. At that point, if you're the person that was broken up with by the dismissive, this should be the point where you are starting to see with a little bit more clarity. Your anxious side is starting to subside and you are able to think with much more clarity. You are able to make the choice of whether or not you want to even entertain or re-engage with the dismissive. If you're the one that broke up with them, though, I would say that they are probably thinking about you. Probably wondering what you're up to. Wondering if the breakup was something that was real.
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During the stages of grief you have the bargaining stage and the denial stage. They probably are in that denial stage and then that sad stage around that two-month mark. I would say that is when they are the most open and willing to re-engage with you again and want to have you in their life.
Going through a breakup isn't fun. Having to break someone's heart and having your heart broken is not something that either one of the people want to have to deal with. So if there is a potential of things being able to be repaired or reconciled, that is the time where you want to make your move. I do not recommend you doing this if you are not in the place mentally to be able to be more patient because you're going to re-engage, but you're going to still have to be patient with them. You will have to wait for the turtle to come out of the shell.
The dismissive avoidant comes off as a person who is emotionally unavailable, cold, and kind of unfeeling, but they do have feelings. They do care about people and the people that they do care about they care deeply about. They have you as a friend for life if you're able to maintain a healthy relationship. I know that a lot of coaches would tell you to walk away and never look back, but the heart wants what the heart wants. If there is a chance that you can have this person back without losing your sense of sanity and without jeopardizing your mental health, I'm all for that. I'm all for going after what you want.