In today's video, we're going to talk about when an avoidant realizes they've lost you.
Before I get into that video, I'm going to give a little bit of a disclaimer. This video isn't intended for you to diagnose anyone, but it's also not intended to give you false hope to stay in a relationship that you don't feel comfortable with, or something that's not meeting your needs.
I'm just going to get right into the video. I know what people are going to say right away from the title. “When they lost you they've lost you”, “nothing, they would just won't care”, but I've been doing this for a really long time. From what I've observed from people that I've worked with in the past or even from coaching people who were in a relationship with an avoidant, I've got hundreds and hundreds of people in my notebook that have the same story, you'd be surprised.
When they realize they've lost you, first, it'll take awhile for them to really register it, because they go into this self-isolation mode. Which is something that they probably already started while they were in the relationship with you. They probably already started to deactivate, pull back, text less, but they do have this breaking point where they realize, maybe a couple months down the line, that you're actually gone. You're no longer responding to their text messages, because from the majority of the people that I know, they are okay with remaining friends, they do miss that companionship. After the breakup happens, the ones who are more introverted, and they don't have a whole lot of close friends and a lot of close relationships, you were someone that they gave a lot of themselves to. They kind of filled you in that slot of ‘the people who are most valuable in their life’. What you'll see from an avoidant who really cares for you is they are very consistent. They show up time and time again. It's just after a while that that intenseness that they felt for you, turns more into fear. It goes from like “I was doing this voluntarily because I was enjoying a relationship”, but after a while they feel that shift of “all right, I feel now I'm more obligated to do these things”. It makes them feel like they're losing themselves. This is when you start to see a lot of the deactivation start to happen.
I see a lot of the comments and I see a lot of what people are saying, and most of it is negative. I understand your feelings and your experience is real, right, they are real. I'm not here to talk you out of being in any relationship where you feel like you're losing yourself. If you guys have seen any of my other videos, I talk a lot about putting your mental health first and not completely giving up your boundaries simply to try to make a relationship with someone who's been traumatized, work. I mean at some point, we all become traumatized from trying to help people who are traumatized. I mean if you go back and look at a couple of my videos where I talk about the adverse childhood experiences, the ACES test, aces too high website: acestoohigh.com. It talks a lot about how people show up later on in life, from all the childhood trauma that they've experienced. This is usually what people get hung up on when they're in a relationship with someone who they know have experienced these hardships over the course of their childhood, but at the same time, it's not our job to try to save anyone or to try to introduce someone to a new lifestyle that they're not comfortable being in. So when they realize that they've lost you they'll miss the companionship. They'll miss having you in their life. Many of them are stubborn and will never admit to it. However, the people that I had that come to me now, and talk to me about their avoidant attachment styles, they'll admit to me that ‘hey yeah, I regret it, I made a huge mistake, but at the same time I never had It modeled to me how to show up in a relationship and how to completely be vulnerable with someone, because when I've been vulnerable with someone, I've always been taken advantage of or hurt’.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], Facebook is [coachcourt] and right here on YouTube [coachcourt] and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.