From experience, people with an avoidant attachment style prefer text communication way more than in person. That way, they can communicate their needs better, maintain autonomy by texting back at their own pace and maybe even show a little bit, just a little bit, of enthusiasm. I don't know about your experience with avoidants, but I often wonder if there's some sort of chronic depression there. It's almost as if you are the person that's responsible for pulling them out of their funks. They kind of walk around with a dark cloud hovering over them all the time, and that's often confusing, because when you first met that person, they were not the same. They were someone who was enthusiastic. That someone that was matching and mirroring your actions, but over time, you start to realize that that happiness and that excitement tended to be more of a mask that they were wearing. Now let me give the disclaimer here. Obviously that's not 100% avoidants, that's not all avoidants, but when it comes to someone that's a severe avoidant, this is most likely the case. They probably struggle with some form of depression. So in today's video, I'm going to talk about three things that you need to do when an avoidant won't text you back, and the number one mistake that people make when they're in a relationship with an avoidant, or someone they identify as being an avoidant.
Before I get into the content, if this is your first time visiting my channel my name is Coach Court and I've been helping people navigate relationships for over the past 18 years. If you want my help personally, the quickest way to get into contact with me is through my website at www.fruitfulseedz.com.
The first thing that you need to do is (I know this is cliche and I know a lot of people have said it) is focus on yourself. I wrote a quote a while back that goes:
“The instant that you give off the energy that you can't live without them, that's when they'll start imagining living without you”.
It's just too much pressure on anyone, even a secure attacher, to be someone's everything, to be responsible for their total happiness, which means they have lost themselves and themselves that they've lost, is within you. It's frustrating because you really want them to find their autonomy themselves. So what I recommend is, get back connected with your friends and your family again, go back to the gym or whatever it is that you neglected while you were in this relationship, so that you can regain your center or if they call it homeostasis. I have a YouTube short that was extremely controversial and it was a quote by Thich Nhat Hanh, that goes, “You must love a person in such a way that they feel free”, and what that means to me is, they get to choose to be with you and not feel obligated. I also say that they should have the freedom to come and go as they please, but I want to clarify here, I didn't mean that that included someone cheating or repeatedly breaking up with you. What I meant was, they feel, not like it's an open door policy, but they get to choose you every single day.
The second thing that you need to do, right now, if they're not texting you, if you're the person watching this video, is communicate your needs empathetically. Now, of course this is in the future, when they come back, let them know how you felt when you were in no contact. This is the perfect opportunity to communicate your boundaries, communicate your needs in a healthy manner. Usually people don't communicate these things until it's already too late, ‘till you're already blown up and you've already come up with all these assumptions. You could say something like ‘Hey when we were in no contact, I just want you to know, this is what I felt like. I didn't feel like a priority. I didn't know where this relationship was going.” If you guys are in a dating stage you can say “Hey I don't know what it is that you're looking for in this relationship, but for me, it's a deal breaker when someone is ignoring my text messages or they’re just going ghost on me. So I get that you need your time, you need your space and I need mine too (reassure them that I need mine too), but it feels a little bit disrespectful when you're not communicating with me when I'm clearly texting you. We always have our phones in our hands, there's no reason why you couldn't respond to a simple text”.
The number one mistake that people make when they're in a relationship with an avoidant or someone they identify as being an avoidant, is this: they take things personally and I can tell you, don't take things personally. It's hard, you're in a relationship, you're involved in this relationship, so it feels pretty personal. There's a quote by Wayne Dyer that goes: “Expectations are premeditated resentments”. Of course there's a difference between an expectation and a standard. Go into this relationship knowing what your standards are and knowing what the expectations are. Usually the expectations are something that you've experienced in the past. A standard is needs and deal breakers that you set for yourself. Standards are things that are non-negotiable. Expectations are a little bit gray, it's a little bit hairy there. So if you're someone that's an anxious attacher and you start to struggle with ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) making up stories like “are we broken up”, “did they find someone else”, “did they go back to their ex”, “are they mad at me”. All of these things that you're just creating in your head, when in reality, it may not be any of those reasons at all. So you continue to text more which will eventually push them away. I believe it was Guru who said “you don't really suffer from depression and anxiety, what you suffer from is your memories and your imagination”. When you decide to be in a relationship with someone with an avoidant attachment style, and yes you make the decision you're not actually being held hostage in that dynamic, it's expected that they will need some space.
So if you found this video of any value, please like, comment and share. You can reach out to me on my other social media accounts: Instagram is [iamcoachcourt], my actual real authentic TikTok is [i.am.coachcourt], there is a fake TikTok account going around FYI, Facebook is [coachcourt] and right here on YouTube is [coachcourt]. Thank you guys, and always remember, when you go be love, you'll never have to find it. Namaste.